~ Disjointed ~
A quick Google search of the word 'disjointed' reveals the simplest definition as "lacking a coherent sequence or connection." Another way to comprehend this word is envisioning being thrown out of orderly function, a precursor to disorder, a separation at point where two points should be joined.
So then my thought train transcends down the path of how our body functions, honing in on a particular system that I am quite fond of... the skeletal system, A.K.A. bones. I love how bones tell an articulate and detailed story. Revealing how an individual lives or how they have lived their life. When you think of bones, more specifically a joint, one can then imagine how it functions, its purpose and it range of motion depending on the body part. Showing the union of two otherwise independent bones.
Now you might be thinking to yourself "what the hell is she going off about now?" In all honesty I do not blame you. I often laugh at how my brain works but I promise to try and make these connections for you so that perhaps you might understand.
Today on my drive to work this word "disjointed" kept popping into my head. I felt it perfectly articulated the feelings I have had since Saturday afternoon. Saturday was one of those days where emotions conquer and logic seeps out. Leaving you feeling completely discombobulated. It was one of those days where I felt such a blatant disconnect between my mind and my body that hopelessness was a close by monster. A monster that I didn't quite want to succumb to but could feel lurking in the shadows.
Then to add fuel to my own inner turmoil, I was frustrated at these emotions because I am currently in school expanding my toolbox within the 'holism world' with strategies and techniques to help live a balanced, prosperous life. Yet here I am feeling so consumed by my thoughts that none of my strategies seem to help. I did the things that usually help me feel anchored within myself and they did not hold the same power that they usually do.
I practiced yoga, I did my deep full yogic breathing, I meditated (twice), I met up with my mom and had a chat about what was on my mind, I cooked, I did all the things that usually help. When my partner came home from work, he simply listened while I tried to explain the unexplainable. Nothing felt like it was helping I just felt lost within myself.
The truth is I was momentarily lost. What I have realized is all these methods/strategies are pieces that when added together did make a difference. This time the difference did not occur right away, but it definitely helped me feel a little more connected. Especially as each day passes that connection becomes more and more clear.
You see I am in the midst of packing up and moving, anyone who has moved knows that no matter how organized or how mentally prepared you try to be, that moving creates chaos in the mind. Coupled with the various other things floating around in my mind I cant really blame myself for losing that connection.
Perhaps this is a result of the holidays closing and a new chapter beginning? Do not get me wrong, I am thrilled for the adventures both known and unknown that this year will provide. I am in love with so many components of my life that this disconnect bothers me even more! See this is me trying to explain the unexplainable again... Simply put, I have felt off these past few days and that is okay.
I am using this platform to connect with other humans in the world. This is the first real week back to work after the holidays. Many people on the weekend and even this #moodymonday have confided in me that they have felt out of sorts. Maybe its the time off year, maybe its the moon, maybe its the cold snowy weather, maybe its all the changes I am about to embrace. Who knows but I know others are feeling it too. We will conquer this!
The only thing that is clear is that I will keep practicing these strategies to help myself find my grounding. This weekend I felt close to bolting, just running away. From What? Good question, I don't really know but I felt this need to run.
Instead I cooked, I packed up our kitchen, I put my air-pods in my ears and sang my heart out, I danced like a fool, I did handstands and I smiled. I will keep finding my way back to myself and when I feel my feet slipping out from under me I will communicate this with my people. My partner, my family and my friends are all connections to keep me tethered. These people, coupled with the things I practice, what I surround myself with, will lead me back to balance.
My friend today said it beautifully, she said "Sky, its good to check in with yourself." She is right, it really is okay, and its also okay to accept that right now I feel off. I acknowledge this disjointed feeling, I know its only temporary. We are beings in constant state of flux and throughout this flow my determination will allow me to rejoin my body with my mind!